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Courage to be imperfect

May 1, 2012 by

I just watched a very good TED video. I call it the Courage to be Imperfect – though I think the speaker Brene Brown had a different name for it. It is long 20 minutes  – I watched it in pieces – but it is very, very,,, good and worth watching to the end

It’s the kind of video that keeps you going when you are struggling

and makes sense when things are going well and you wonder “what’s around the corner?” How long will this last. Can I trust the future?

One thing it does prove to me is how important 12 step recovery is – its FREE therapy and gives one the courage to be imperfect by listening to everyone else’s story of imperfection. After you watch this video and if you haven’t been to a meeting in a while – (or never been) this might be the push to go!

Brene’s blog is called Ordinary Courage. I just discovered it this second while writing this post. Looks good!

 

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Half Measures Availed us Nothing

August 11, 2011 by

Just back from my early morning meeting. Was a good meeting. A quiet one which is nice. What I mostly got out of it was my realization that I keep needing to go to meetings. A lot of people shared but what has stayed with me was from the beginning readings when the statement, “half measures availed us nothing” was read.

That’s where I think I am at. Half way between here and there in a lot of things. Most of all in my relationship with God. I think when push comes to shove that is where the essence of my serenity is unraveling. So many of the things I held onto when I was in the monastery I am looking at differently now.

I was having a conversation with God last night about this. I’m still praying about everything but my little boat is in the middle of the sea and the waves are getting higher and I feel myself sinking because my faith like Peter’s loses its grip when the water starts splashing over my ankles.

I remember reading in a book of Archbishop Fulton Sheen’s or maybe it was a tape – anyway he was describing the scene where Peter steps out of the boat to walk on the water. He shares what was happening in the boat Peter had stepped out of. The conversations from the rest of the guys who were still safe and secure on their wooden seats.

One of them yells out. “Peter! You dam fool get back in the boat!”

But you know what? Peter even though he started to sink was still a whole lot further in his walk of faith than those who never got out of the boat. He at least was walking. Sinking a little. Panic levels were a bit high, blood pressure was probably over the top but by golly he was not pursuing his commitment to follow Jesus in a half measure.

Now don’t start thinking I’m saying the “boat” is the Catholic church or the monastery or anything of that sort. I am not saying that at all. The boat is where we feel “safe” in our faith walk. The  boat is the, “I’m with you Jesus but only so far” mode of transportation. When Jesus starts doing things stupid and unheard of like walking on water and then bids us to do some of the same stuff! That is, well, that is not where we are going, thank you very much.

It is just occurring to me at this moment that perhaps when I am in the midst of a bit of panic now and then – it’s probably because I have just stepped out of the dam boat and the reality of walking on water is a bit over my faith comfort zone. If I weaken and call out to the guys in the boat, I’ll start dog paddling back to the boat. And those guys in the boat will be more than glad to haul me in, wipe me off and tell me what a fool I’ve been.

But!

If during my moments of weak faith, I call out to Jesus . . .

then I still get rescued

BUT

I walk back to that boat on top of the water not in it!

Sure Jesus may have a few words about my little faith but my golly with my hand safe and holding on tight to Jesus I can still keep walking on the water!

I will always remember my first moment of faith walking that was a bit stupid. (Is faith walking always a bit stupid?) At any rate, I was in one of my fervent moments and had just thrown my glasses over the bridge into the water below because I wanted Jesus to heal me.

My eyes didn’t get healed but my courage to step out in faith totally did. I broke through the barrier of “what would people think” and made an attempt to totally step out in faith. My uncle dived in the water with his wet suit and found my glasses and returned them to me safe and secure.

I’ve still needed glasses from that point on but when I realized that God is ready and willing to rescue me from my faith moments that are bigger than I am – I have not been afraid to try again.

So that is where I am at today. Realizing I need to be a little more radical in my trust of God. Yesterday I ordered a book from my friend and author, Susan K. Rowland – Radical Trust in God. I don’t know what the book is about other than the title but I think it is just what I need.

Susan has just been diagnosed with cancer and sent a letter to her subscribers (that’s where I heard it) that she was now having to put everything she wrote in the book back into practice. Isn’t that always the way? Talk about the water splashing over your ankles!

Please pray for Susan. When I get the book I will let you know how over the top wonderful it is. I think it will be because her other books have been. I have faith this one – with a title like “Radical Trust in God” will be her best!

Please share any moments of stepping out in faith moments you have had. Would love to hear your stories!

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Life Always Has Questions

August 10, 2011 by

Yesterday, I got out of bed after only four or five hours of sleep and went to my AA meeting. I couldn’t stop yawning through the whole thing. I had to use one arm to hold my head up as the dumb thing kept wanting to nod. I didn’t share but I did show up and listen. I tried not to look at the clock too often though I did get more peeks in than was probably necessary.

Still . . . I was proud of myself for getting there.

My plan is to go three times a week.

Today I’m working on the “Willing what it takes to make a living.”

Becoming economically independent is as much a part of full recovery as not taking the first drink. It’s what I was feeling in my stomach but I didn’t expect it to get endorsed so strongly by my After-care counselor, Sister Mary Gene at Guest House.

Of courses it makes sense.

And I have been trying even if not too successful. One of the things I was told that I had working against me was that being a nun for 28 years is not the best indoctrination for doing things to get paid for. Nuns tend to do things for the “love of God” and a “donation.”

I’m not dropping the “love of God” part but I am working on the “get paid” part.
This was the message I was given to work on. Mary Gene wrote it on the board in big fat letters for me.

“WHAT CAN I GET PAID FOR?”

I have a number of things in the fire. My job at ‘The Villas’ – a commission job to help a client sell ‘bike training wheels’, building web sites (none on the docket at the moment), selling the 2000 + books the sisters gave me and writing a new book.

I have been bouncing from one to the other – trying this and that in a spasmodic, panic effort to latch onto something that would pay the bills. It seemed as if I had lots more moments of “fear based” activity than “faith based” ones though I have kept up a running conversation with God and a steady grip on my rosary beads.

One of the more positive things I have been doing is taking a lot of online courses at Lynda.com. The latest one I am working on at present is Google AdWords Essential Training. I have about 30 minutes to finish the course and then I will start on another one that sort of goes with it – Google analytics. I have talked about these courses before but they are really amazing. From knowing absolute zero to being able to start using the ad words with a measure of understanding is quite remarkable.

Basically I am doing this for my “training wheels” client but I see that I can probably use this for many other things as well.

As for my book – I am continuing to pray and discern as to which one to do. I come up with a new idea every fifteen minutes. So very much in the discernment stage still on that. I think I will give myself three days to make a decision and then just go for it. I remember my pastor at home once telling me when I was undecided about which order to join. He said, “Sometimes too much choice is not a good thing.” I think he is right. I could spend a year deciding on what would be the best one and in the meantime I could have a book done. Even if it wasn’t the best!

Same way with this blog. I used to write a post almost every day and they weren’t always the best but I was writing. Lately I have been reading that it’s better to write fewer that are better. What’s your opinion?

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