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Another 30 in 30 – but with a different focus!

October 31, 2010 by

I really liked doing the thirty in thirty. It is a great way to stay focused and push through the doldrums and the excuse swamps that toughen up my daily landscape. Now my next project is to work on my own book for the next thirty days. Starting November 1.

I have been working on it already – off and on – but now I am determined to put a deadline on it and get er done! This is my own story – my first attempt at writing my memoir of sorts – My journey with God – before the monastery (a bit) during the monastery and now my journey into the future outside of the monastery.

The title of my book is called, “If I’m Not Me, Who Will Be.” It will be available for sale in February. I have no idea if it will sell or not – so I will probably do it as a print on demand book. Meaning I can print even only one copy if I want to and sell it on Amazon. For this book I’m not worrying about how many books to print – I’m just concentrating on getting it done.

It will have pictures, some of my artwork (some of the art therapy I did at Guest House) and perhaps bits and scraps of this and that. I do have a very fun picture of me in a habit shooting a pistol (and doing a pretty good job of it) when my brother Ellery RIP was recovering and not given too long too live and I was allowed to go visit him. He actually lived for a year or almost two after that.

I do not know if I will share my picture from my Navy yearbook. I looked rather like something that should have been buried but perhaps I will be humble enough to even allow that one.

All in all, I am just going to have fun with it. I probably will not follow any rules and regulations for writing a memoir – I’m just writing it like I write. Telling my story such as it is - from where I am today. Once it is out of my system I will go back to collecting and editing story collection books of inspirational stories.

One of the outcomes from our talk at the beach with the sisters and Father Ken was that I will have a new job! The sisters are going to employ me to manage the publishing and marketing of the books that I did with them previously! We are still in the process of working out all the details which will probably take a couple of months which is why I have the freedom for November to work on my own book.

Now here is a challenge for you! If anyone wants to join me in writing like a crazy fiend for the next thirty days there is a fun and fantastic program called the National Novel Writing Month which takes place every November. Several hundred thousand people join in this and they say about 30,000 actually finish! The goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days in the month of November. A few have actually gone on to have their books published.

This is the link to join up. You only have 24 hours before it starts! http://www.nanowrimo.org/   I joined up – is that going over the top or what? To write a novel and a memoir at the same time? Probably. Mostly I wanted to check it out to see what it is all about – turns out there are 134 folks in the Albany/Corvallis Oregon area who are also doing this! What fun. Basically you have to write about 1600 words a day.

There is also a counterpart to this called Writing Non-Fiction in November. It doesn’t have nearly the hoopla and system of the novel process but I am going to go with that as well. If I can figure out how to do it. It’s sort of  a November writing support group. The link for that is here. http://writenonfictioninnovember.com/

Okay – so that is enough of me for the day. How are you doing? I love our little community here.

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60 in 60 – Down the Tube

October 27, 2010 by

Well – didn’t make it all the way through my 60 in 60. I knew this last week of October was going to be a push with travel, meeting with the sisters, more travel. So I missed Monday and Tuesday but life goes on. I will get back to the meetings but I’m not going to get in a stew or downer about it.

The meeting with the sisters went very, very well. I am going to put in for dispensation in a few days. We both are at a good place where we realize it is not a good fit for me but want to keep working together and being a close part of each other’s lives. Thank you Jesus!

I found that I was not tense or nervous before the meeting, during the meeting, but was a bit overwhelmed afterwards.  Hard to process all that went  on in the talks and though it was all very positive – still a lot to channel in through the emotional, mental and physical system.

At the moment I am in Spokane, Washington staying in a five-star hotel, The Davenport, with my younger sister. She is here on a business project and said I could stay with her for free. So never having been in a five-star hotel and wanting a few days to spend with her – seemed like too much of an adventure to miss!

Truthfully neither of us are over the top impressed. We have to pay for parking, no coffee in the room and room service is probably good if you are on a King’s wages but not so affordable for those who are more used to maid service wages. Of course my sister makes good wages – but with kids and a family luxuries are still calculated before indulged in. But it has been fun! Even Pudge is here!

Yesterday I went to Petco and bought him a little red coat because the weather is colder in Spokane than Albany. He is still working on getting his full coat of fur to grow back in a little – so he very much likes his little red, plushy coat. It also (I hadn’t thought about this before hand) makes him into a bit more  elegant of a mutt for walking through the grand golden doors of the Davenport.

Today I will go see my mom, maybe have lunch with the Sisters and see what else develops. I will head back for Albany in the early morning tomorrow. God is good, life is good.

Filed Under: 60 Days

60 in 60 – Day 22

October 23, 2010 by

I decided to share my dream and my two interpretations of it so far. It’s one of those dreams that I think will keep on unfolding for quite some time. This is a very long post so feel free to skip it.

On Monday I will be meeting with two of the sisters from my community and my counselor and a canon lawyer to discuss how things may play out in the future. I don’t think all of this has sunk in totally which is why it came out in a dream. I have sort of put it on a back burner and its boiling away and part of me is not aware of it being there at all.

That is the beauty of dreams – they help us to see what we are not dealing with.

—————–

Nightmare I had on Monday – October 18, 2010

I started with worrying about how I was going to be able to keep going. It was about getting a job. I was a roommate with a girl who had gotten a job at Sears or K-Mart or some place like that. She was doing quite well. Then in turned out she was only getting 3 hours or so a week. I felt like I should try to get a job there too. I asked her how hard it was for her to get the job. She said it was simple. So I was envisioning myself in such a job.

Then I asked her if I could ride with her to her work and maybe I could apply for a job as well – since it was coming up to the winter holidays and they might be hiring more people. I was a worried that I wouldn’t be able to do the job mentally – remembering where everything in the store was and running the cash register and things like that. It seemed like something totally beyond me.

Then . . .

Was in a small white Toyota truck with my sister Barb and my brother John who was driving. We were driving through the woods in light snows. The road was a dirt road and very windy and rough. John was driving pretty fast but seemed to be in control though I was scared at how fast we were going.

We rounded a corner and came to a low place that was covered with water. It looked like a lake, a deep one. I felt that we were going so fast we wouldn’t be able to stop. We didn’t stop, in fact John didn’t even let up on the gas. We just went into it full speed and then it turned out it wasn’t that deep and the truck was able to go through it quite well, but I was afraid any minute we were going to be in water over our head. We got through the water – both John and Barb were laughing like this was nothing.

Then we continued fast around some more curves. There were dogs barking. Our dogs. They were behind us and I didn’t know what they were barking at. Then we heard another of our dogs barking ahead of us. Ahead there was someone in what was a lake with ice in it. The person had fallen in. Looked like it was one of my brothers or sisters but don’t know who. He was screaming for help – and then I saw this huge, huge Polar Bear who was ready to eat him. He turned when he saw us coming and his mouth was huge and fierce.

One of our dogs came running to help the guy in the water. I knew he would be nothing more than a snack. The bear turned to attack him and it looked like he could kill him with one swipe of his paw because he was so huge. I knew the person in the water did not have much chance either and probably we would be next.

I did not see any chance of anyone surviving. This bear was so much bigger than we were and so mean.

I woke up.

Interpretation – After I woke up – October 19

What does it mean?

The first thing that comes to mind – is that I need to cut back on the sugar! I ate a lot today and seemed to just want more and more. So don’t know if that is part of this or not.

I think part of this is also my upcoming meeting with the sisters and my soon going to be on my own. I don’t have a job and there is a niggling fear in the back of my mind that I need a real – 9 to 5 job in order to survive and I don’t feel capable of holding one.

Nor even of getting one in the first place.

So it seems like I am in an impossible situation in which I am going to be eaten alive. My family is supporting me (friendship wise)  but they are doing the driving and they are going too fast and are too reckless. They know the woods and the road but I don’t.

I wonder if also that big, fierce and horrific Polar Bear is my image of God. That he is going to destroy me. He has no love for me at all. He just wants to consume me and eat me alive. This I know is not how I think or believe – though sometimes one has feelings and fears that don’t pay attention to what one thinks or believes in more rational moments.

Or perhaps it is my image of my future. That I am not aware of how dangerous an area I am in. How fast I am going and how over my head this whole situation is. In the truck we are about 15 feet away from this terrible bear and it doesn’t look like there is anyplace to turn around to escape. And even if we tried – how could we leave this family member in the water and leave him and the dog to be eaten?

It’s like a no win situation for everyone.

I don’t see any survival in this at all.

Maybe part of this is about the book I need to finish this morning. It is 3:30 a.m. now – guess I will work on it and see how it goes. Can always go to sleep later.

There is a thought that I should go to Mass but don’t want to. Too tired and maybe this is how I feel God will deal with me.

Further Interpretation – Friday, October 22, 2010

After my session with Fran on Thursday – she suggested that I might go through the dream again and look at every person and event of significance in the dream from the perspective of being a part of me.

Polar Bear: I’m thinking now the Polar Bear is that part of me that thinks I am destroying everyone by my selfish decision. But as I reflect on it more – I see it as putting myself as being way more important than I am. True – the sisters are in a bad position with only four professed nuns left – but God is as much with them as He is with me. I need to shrink that Polar Bear down to puppy size.

I’m feeling that I am a very bad person for asking for financial help. That I am a murderer and an evil, mean, vicious person.

The sisters are doing fine without me. They are moving ahead and I am moving ahead. I do not need to feel that I am holding their world together. Yes, I am causing some pain and upset feelings – but so are they causing the same for me. We have been together for 28 years there is bound to be pain at such a separation. Disillusionment, sadness, lots of feelings that I am only beginning to acknowledge.

Person drowning in the water: This is that part of me that feels completely overwhelmed by everything that is happening. I’m feeling that there is no way I am going to survive and there is no one that can help me. I am totally without God in this picture. I’m putting my trust in people and events and they can do nothing.

I am crying out for help but in doing that I am putting other people in danger. This is the part of me that is just toast.

Perhaps this is a part of me that was the nun. The nice sister that people liked and who was holy and sweet and energetic and spicy and good. She is simply toast. There is no chance of saving her. It’s all over.

Any attempt to rescue her will mean certain death for every other part of me.

My feeling of shock, horror and despair at seeing my life ended in such a horrific way – is perhaps my vision of letting go of my vocation. It is a situation in which I am totally overwhelmed. The odds of saving me in this situation is beyond help.

It’s letting die that part of me in which I was a good person by being a nun. The part of me that had a sense of worth and value that came from being a nun. Kiss that person good-bye.

John driving too fast and taking unnecessary risks: This is that part of me that feels I am going too fast with the books, the business and everything else. I don’t have a plan. I’m not driving sanely. I’m taking on much more than I can handle – with the different web ministries. The puzzle site, Catholic book talk and Joy in Recovery.  I need to slow down and drive sanely. I do not need to do more in one day than I can.

I am like a wild, crazy person – out of control.

The dogs coming in wildly to try to attack the polar bear: This is my attempt to rescue a situation that is way over my head. I am being a noble but insane fool. I’m sacrificing myself for nothing.

—-

Not anywhere in this dream do I have the feeling of God being there for me. It’s like I’m supposed to get through all this on my own. How unreal is that?

If I look over my journey this last year and a half I can plainly see God’s guiding hand all the way – yet here I have stepped out of the boat and am only looking at the waves and not reaching for Jesus’ hand..

Wake up Patricia and let God save me and everyone else. Nothing is impossible with God.

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